a letter to my future self

Seven lessons for my 37th birthday

To honor my birthday, I wrote a letter to my future self with seven big ideas I want her to remember. I first did this exercise five years ago, when I was sitting alone in a 462 square foot room, dreaming of having the life I’m living now. I’m sharing it with you here.

Dear Brenna,

It’s your birthday! You are 37 years young. It’s been a wild five years since you first wrote to yourself. I am writing this letter to your future self, so you can remember how awesome you are and what lessons you’ve learned.

Things will work out, but not how you thought they would.

Maybe future me would appreciate getting this tattooed on my body, because just when I think my life is over, that I’m a big fat loser with no prospects, and nothing will ever work out, things come together. Most of the time, I can’t even see it coming together in the moment. I think that is the most maddening part. In the moment, I’m so focused on everything looking and feeling the way I thought it would, that I miss the magic that is going on around me.

For example, I always wanted to have a job that allowed me to travel or live internationally. I thought it would be as a high-powered manager with visa sponsorship and business class flights. Instead, I am an individual contributor excited about making the jump from RyainAir to British Airlines. I came to this job only because I adjusted my expectations. I pivoted. I took a step down from my career in favor of my husband’s (a sentence I never thought I would type). My vision of having an “international job” came true, just not how I always thought it would.

As much as you can, let go. I don’t have any advice on how to let go faster. Maybe by the time you’re reading this, you have figured it out. I know that things come around. If it’s not this time, it’s the next one. Eventually, it will either happen, or you’ll switch directions. There have been countless times in the past when you really wanted something, and once you got it, you didn’t want it anymore. Maybe your personality is allergic to “going with the flow” - so I’ll put it differently. Get up and try again. Experiment. Say “yes” to something new.

When you feel really bad, help someone else

When I was in my most sad and grief-stricken state, I went to volunteer every week at a temporary housing organization for single mothers. It was a wonderful weekly anchor for me to socialize with the other volunteers and watch babies for an hour while the mothers attended parenting classes. It felt good to be helpful, and the babies were sweet and cuddly. Being in service to others doesn’t even have to mean formal volunteering, it just means finding someone who might need your help! An extra phone call, a letter, a homemade meal, or a surprise gift could brighten someone’s day.

It will also remind you that you’re not alone. When you feel an all-encompassing sadness, it feels like no one else could possibly bear the depth of what you are holding. Meanwhile, there are millions of people in the world who have probably experienced the same feeling. Helping others is a reminder that no one is exempt from the human condition.

Be Your Own Cheerleader

You are smart, kind, and you care about a lot of different things. Despite being the most basic advice you’ll ever hear, when you are conditioned to be hard on yourself, speaking kindly to yourself needs to be doubled down on. Every small win should be celebrated and affirmed. Every single one. For example, just this month, you had another essay published in a lit mag, but your instinct was to say it was an unpaid and “too small”. Do not belittle your gifts or your achievements. Be your own hype woman. How you talk to yourself matters.

Follow the trail of crumbs and Go Directionally, not Destinationally

I got this concept from Megan Hellerer, and I think it’s been so important to my personal development over the past five years. The idea is to follow a direction - “I want to be a mom” - and not a destination - “babies by 30”. For example, I know I like writing, but I’m not sure the destination I’m going with it. Am I writing a fiction romance book? Am I becoming a travel writer as a side hustle? Will I continue to write personal essays on Substack? I don’t know, but I’m going to keep exploring. I’ll continue to take classes, submit my essays for publication in literary magazines, and share my art. Where will that take me? I’m not sure. But I’m continually following my interests, following a trail of breadcrumbs in the right direction.

I’m following my interests and letting the direction take me where I want to go. When something doesn’t feel right, I’m abandoning it without guilt.

Fuel your Mind

Being a highly sensitive person means you are highly sensitive to inputs. This could be advice, tv shows, podcasts, or social media. You need to be very careful about what you allow into your life. Visciously detox from any stream of thought that doesn’t align with who you are. Repeatedly nourish your soul with the writing and art that challenges you and opens you up to new ideas. And a gentle reminder, you really don’t need much. Don’t get wrapped up in smoothies or supplements or fitness regimes. A good fiction book or a walk in nature will fuel your mind way more than literally anything else. Do Less God Bless!

Think Bigger to Create Your World

The older I get, the more I see how much less I need to be happy. This is such a gift. It should also be carefully balanced with my dreams. I can be wholeheartedly content with the life I have now while also persistently pursuing my dreams.

I can push myself to “think bigger”. Not as in more, like, a bigger house or a higher salary. No. Bigger as in what is possible for myself, like writing a book, working less, or creating stability and comfort for myself.

One way to nurture this is to create an environment that holds my vision. This means practicing good mental hygiene, mindfulness, and healthy habits daily. In the book Dream Count, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes, “It is easy to be sad. Sadness is a low-hanging fruit. Hope and happiness you need to reach higher for”. Sometimes, I can talk myself out of something because it’s easier to settle. It’s less scary. But I don’t want to “think of [my] hopes as thwarted even before [I] hope.” I’d rather wake up every day and see the world as full of possibilities.

Another way is to partner with other people who have “big visions” so you can feed off of their energy. For example, you were able to quit your job and take a sabbatical by watching friends who did it too.

Once you have created your own inner world, I know the ripe fruit will fall quickly. The world needs your creations, and it needs your big dreams too. Keep going!

Cherish the Time In Community We Have

The older I get, the faster time seems to spin by. I blinked, and now I have a niece and nephew, soon to be four nieces and nephews! I want to spend time with the people I love. I want to accept them for who they are and not who I want them to be.

I am hoping to accept who I am more and more with each passing year. I am hoping to appreciate the love that surrounds me every moment. I want to make my life simpler, with fewer expectations of myself, and more compassion for myself and others.

I am proud of myself for believing in my dreams instead of dismissing them as foolish, childlike, or unrealistic. Right now, as I write this from my home in Italy, looking out onto the Amalfi Coast, Vesuvius, and the Bay of Naples, I am in gratitude for this mysterious life that is my constant teacher. I hope I am gifted with many more years on this earth with the people I love. Also, remember you’re only getting hotter, smarter, and wiser!!!

Love Brenna

I am lucky enough to spend my birthday with my sister this year in my favorite place - Ischia! Have you ever written a letter to your “future” self? To those wise ones further along the path than me, what would you add to this list? Grateful for you, my readers.

I loved this piece by

Angelica Jade Bastién

, “I Am So Fucking Tired of Listening To Women My Age Complain About Being Old and Washed”. Similar to Angelica, I’m out here working hard to get out of my own way and *eff the patriarchy. She writes, “I am in awe that I have been able to craft such a life against the odds. Every pleasure I experience was fought for against the tides of mental illness, misogyny, racism, capitalism, and abuse. There is so much left to relish, you just have to reach out and grab hold. For as long as this yearning heart of mine beats, the taste of opportunity and pleasure shall rest upon my tongue.”