I have always been one for solo travel. Maybe not a two week stint - but a long weekend is the perfect amount of time to go away and come back rejuvenated. In the fall of 2019 I was recovering from total life implosion and rebuilding. I was proud of myself for my growth, but my emotional state during this time was mostly feeling scared, disconnected, fragile, and wounded. I decided to take a trip to a place I’ve always wanted to go: Toronto, in the beautiful country of Canada.
The apartment I booked looked like a fairy tale cottage, tucked right behind the bustling downtown and charming neighborhood of Queen Street West. The owner was an interior designer and the apartment had plush linens, pink walls, and boho velvet canapes: it was the perfect retreat after a day of exploration. I walked for hours and hours every day; hopping on the trolley from time to time to discover different neighborhoods. I met up with friends of friends, went dancing and to speak easies as the snow pelted down on the city. I had a quiet solo dinner in a beautiful Italian restaurant with giant red velvet curtains, sipped my red wine and watched as the flakes fell silently. I went to an art exhibit about Rubens and took notes on his impeccable business sense and how he was one of the few artists of his time to live well. There was something there, in this magical weekend, that made me feel alive and like MYSELF. What is it? How could I put that into words? I identified how I felt, I came up with these words: Cared for, Light, Cozy, Connected, Invigorated. At the time, these feelings were very foreign to me. I’d felt them before, but it had been a long time.
I decided I was going to chase that life for myself. I wanted to bring these emotions into my daily life; not just experience them on a trip or vacation. I joined a class about Intentional Living, and went through a few exercises that asked me to reflect on what “lights me up”. What makes me, me?
One thing that kept coming up over and over again was a sense of adventure - a taste of another way of life or a difference cultural experience. After going through this exercise I was going to make two small changes in my life. I was going to quit the “lunk alert” gym that I belonged to that did not make me feel cared for, light, cozy or connected. I was also going to try something new. I decided to start taking salsa classes, even in the pandemic with masks on outside. I needed to feel the feeling invigorated feeling that came to me when I was traveling, in the midst of hearing different languages, trying new foods, and assimilating into local culture. These two small changes were the start of catapulting myself into aligning my life towards what feels good to me.
Three years later, I went from feeling scared, disconnected, and wounded to feeling joy, connection, nourishment, and light nearly every day. This doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, but it means I created a world for myself that is more aligned to who I really am - whether that is in work, living, partnership, or friends. It’s amazing to read my old journals and notes and think about where I started: taking salsa classes, joining a community garden, participating in outdoor yoga - all of these tiny baby steps led me to where I am now! I think it’s also proof that even when you don’t feel like yourself; the core, authentic parts of your soul will always be here. Even when you are deeply sad and suffering, your scrappiest self will remember what it is that makes you feel good.
Do you know what you are looking for in your community? Do you know how you want to feel? Join my core values friendship circle on Thursday, April 20th! We will go through some visualization and journaling exercises do develop your 3-5 core values that can be used to call in whatever you’re looking for in life. Link to sign-up is here - and only $25!
PPS. There is another part to my Toronto story: on the way home from my trip, it was snowing so much that I got stuck on the plane for a few hours sitting next to a very attractive man. Stay tuned for next week on why I think that encounter was a pivotal for a change in my subconscious…