Today I was feeling a little bit down and when that happens I tend to be critical of myself. It’s my brain’s cruise control. In order to correct I use certain tools - one of them being #nedranuggets. Nedra Tawwab is a therapist and boundaries expert, and her teachings have centered me when I’m feeling off. Today, Nedra shared some affirmations that I copied into my journal. There were three in a row: I am worthy because I am here, I am worthy because of my dedication, and I am worthy because of what I’ve sacrificed to become who I am.
Sacrifice. That word didn’t sit right with me. What have I sacrificed to become who I am? Have I really sacrificed anything at all? My gut instinct was to say that I hadn’t. I have a really happy life, I have a ton of privilege, an amazing family, and I live next to the ocean for god’s sake. Plus I’m no Mother Theresa. I don’t volunteer enough; I don’t do enough advocacy work, I can be a better manager, a better girlfriend, a better sister, a better granddaughter. I was sitting in the confessional and grasping my rosary beads: am I good enough?
Yet, I sat with it a little bit more. What really, have I given up? Surely, I must have sacrificed some things. Once I put some effort into it, I realized I have sacrificed a lot in my life and it was really difficult and uncomfortable.
My ego - I often felt a need to be right, to be in control, or to project my beliefs onto others. Taking off my armor and realizing the part I play in the circumstances of my life really rocked me and continues to leave me unsettled. It takes courage and self-reflection to acknowledge and disarm my ego.
My innocence - I always believed the best in people. The world was easier to understand this way. Once I saw that people do not always have good intentions, that people can and will take advantage of you if you let them, I was embarrassed. Understanding and admitting the people and situations I’d allowed in my life felt shameful. I have forgiven myself for what I allowed when I was not in my power and I have sharpened my spidey sense for unhealthy behaviors.
My relationships - I had to completely cut-out or seriously adjust my relationships with people who were not healthy for me in order to become the person I am today. Sometimes I feel like I am so capable - I could fix anyone or anything if I just tried hard enough. I learned to accept people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. This straight up sucks sometimes and I’m still working on it, but I’m proud of the healthy relationships I am able to maintain.
My dreams - I had a lot of dreams that I had to abandon. Sometimes I felt like my soul was being sucked right out of my body by a dementor. The things I hoped for, prayed for, and dedicated most of my life to were gone and there was no going back. I am impressed I have the bravery to dream again after lots of disappointment.
My acceptance by society - I have listened to people make judgements about me and my choices and stood firm in my beliefs and who I am and what I stand for. Sometimes I wish I could just make everyone understand me and where I’m coming from but I can’t. I like that I have made peace with my new path and I can even inspire others to join it.
My time, money, and energy - I have committed to therapy sessions even when it would be more fun to go out. I have carefully budgeted each session and made financial investments into myself even when it was uncomfortable for me to do so. I have put forth every possible effort into my relationships before I determined that I cannot put forth anymore effort. I have taken courses on being meditation, intentional living, and spirituality. It’s unique that I’ve put so much effort into myself and my relationships.
My comfort zone - there is nowhere I’d rather be than in my comfort zone. Tears well in my eyes thinking about how much I crave sitting around with my best friends, drinking wine and listening to music. Or being with my cousin’s on the beach and dancing at sunset. Or adventuring with my college friends during a weekend getaway, showing up without clothes and knowing that they’ll pack me extra. They know what makes me laugh, they know how to cheer me up, they know what pulls the strings on my tender heart. Being so far away physically and at times emotionally from my comfort zone is so incredibly draining and lonely. But I went to the networking event anyway, I left my job anyway, I went camping with strangers anyway, I hit publish anyway. Because that’s the kind of person I am.
Often times, I am so critical of myself, I don’t have compassion for myself and all I’ve been through, nor do I remember the pride I should take for all the growth I’ve achieved. In thinking through this exercise, I feel so much better. I am actually a pretty dope human and I am worthy of your eyeball’s attention on my newsletter :) What about you; what have you sacrificed to become the person you are today?