call your mom

what makes a mother

One of my favorite pandemic shows was called, “Love Life” on HBO Max. It stars Anna Kendrick and portrays different seasons of her life as she navigates her twenties and thirties, growing in her career, friendships, and romantic relationships. There is a scene that really hit home for me about why this time is so difficult for women and our identities. Anna Kendrick has planned a joint bachelorette party for her roommate and her roommate’s partner (they are all wearing t-shirts that say, “two brides are better than one”) and the group is about to sit-down for a cozy dinner. Her best friend, played by Zoe Chao, is suspiciously missing from the dinner table, and is found upstairs doing coke. Anna Kendrick confronts Zoe Chao and says, “I don’t think it’s that kind of party”. Zoe Chao replies, “yeah, but it could be”. Anna Kendrick snaps back, saying, “well there’s two women down there on in vitro drugs, so I think probably not.”

Traditional societal checkpoints are never so closely observed than at a bachelorette party in your 30s. It is as if you put different species of animals together in a cage, and for the first few hours all we do is stare at each other in wild amazement. After the initial shock wears away (she’s my age?) - we drift clumsily, slipping and sliding around the subtext of motherhood faster than the beer on the floor of the sports bar. Someone is newly pregnant but doesn’t want anyone to know, so she’s dumping booze in the toilet and secretly refilling it with water. Another woman is doing IVF and has to skip out on the group HIIT class. A third just had a miscarriage and starts crying when a fourth announces her pregnancy. There are some chicks flashing their boobs from a drunk bus and others who are pumping and dumping in the bathroom.

It is at this stage in our lives where the societal clock starts ticking and we fall into a comparison trap that pins us against each other: it’s not our fault, it’s a lose lose game. The pressures we face start to close in on us, and it’s easier to point a finger than to admit vulnerability and fear. And as Caroline O'Donoghue notes in her podcast, Sentimental in the City, “You get into your thirties and people start wanting babies or not wanting babies, trying for babies or accidentally having babies. Babies and fertility is a primal thing. You can’t anticipate what it will do to a group of women who all love each other. I know lots of women who have had fertility issues and they basically can’t be around the women they love the most who are pregnant or have children. It’s so beyond reason and so beyond a question of love. It is primal, deep suffering.”

Aside from the bachelorette party, there is no other event that makes women take out their measuring stick like Mother’s Day. Not only do we compare ourselves to our friends who have children, but we also compare ourselves to our friends who have loving relationships with their mothers! Already, I have friends who have lost their mothers. I have friends who had to end their relationships with their mothers to live more healthy lives. I have friends who don’t have the relationships with their mothers they would like to have and are still navigating what that looks like for them.

What makes me the most uncomfortable with Mother’s Day is that it glorifies the traditional mother <> child relationship but fails to acknowledge all of the very beautiful acts of love, nurturing, and care that humans do for one another that deserve to be recognized. Many of the most tender moments of my life where I have felt so truly held by both men and women have been from people who do not have their own children or who have complicated or non-existent relationships with their parents. What I find interesting is that these people have something deeply maternal inside of them, despite never having been modeled this or never having tried parenting themselves. They are still able to provide love and care to those who deeply crave it.

At the end of the episode, Zoe Chao’s partying catches up to her and she severely endangers herself. Anna Kendrick saves the day, and performs the brave and difficult act of confronting her friend about her issues, knowing it could ruin their friendship. This highlights exactly what I know to be true: that all humans need to be mothered, and those who are able to do it are special people who deserve recognition. So, as we head into Mother’s Day, stop the comparison game and call your mom. Call the person who took you underwear shopping after your breakup, who made up a bed when you had nowhere to go, who had you over for dinner when you couldn’t bare to eat alone, who offered you their neck pillow so you could nap on the train, who picked you up and took you hiking because fresh air will do you good, who wrote you an encouraging letter when you were down in the dumps, who brought you flowers from their garden, who delivered you homemade cookies on Christmas, who left you a good book hanging on your doorknob, who held your hand and told you it would be ok.

__________

Note - this post is not intended to minimize the efforts of traditional moms. Traditional mothers should be celebrated, and they especially need quality, affordable childcare, flexible jobs, maternity leave, equal pay, and partners that do half the work.

More on this subject:

• Loved reading The Single Supplement’s post this week about friendships through the ages, specifically about motherhood. Nicola writes, “Even those who couldn’t be happier to be single and childfree have to face up to the fact their friends’ lives are changing in ways theirs just aren’t. There is a period of adjustment. A shifting of the sands. In some cases, a total vacuum.”

• Another favorite newsletter of mine, Cruel Summer Book Club, wrote a post few weeks ago about the young moms she looks up to. Jillian writes, “Because of the young mothers in my life, I understand well that the time and space I have for self-examination and self-fulfillment is a privilege. I know that one day I will have pressing responsibilities to others, so I must relish the time I have all to myself now.”