foreign friendship update

how am I making new friends in a new country?

One reason it was so difficult to leave San Diego is because my community was so strong. I saw my friends every single day. We went on walks after work, cooked dinners together during the week, borrowed each others apartments for visitors, and generally had an open door policy. There was nothing better than having a long day at work and receiving a visit from our friends little twinnies on their afternoon walk, or sitting with our neighbors on Fridays after work for a “sundowner”. This is also one of the reasons I had such a high quality of life. Seeing friends wasn’t a “I’ll pencil you in next week” affair, it was more simple, and engrained into daily life. There was no exertion required.

A few months ago I launched my first ever coaching course which was focused on how difficult it is to make friends as an adult. The teacher became the student as once again, as I moved to a new city, and this time in a new country. I have “started over” many times in my life, and I know what it takes to build a friendship community. It’s hard work!

Three months into Napoli, I am feeling a lot better about the buds sprouting on my friendship seeds. One easy way to bond people together is to “go through a shared experience”. This is why it’s so easy to make friends on a big group trip or through joining a club like kickball. You’re all going through the same experience together, so you can instantly relate to each other. You develop inside jokes, can recount that crazy encounter with a bear, or laugh thinking about winning the international axe throwing championship on a big axe tie-breaker.

All of the friends I’ve met here have been through the shared experienced of moving to Napoli together, which is full of highs and lows. The two ways I’ve met friends are through the local expat Facebook group and through my Italian language learning school, both of which form a bond by looking at Italy from the outside in.

Through the Facebook expat group, the “meet cute” was very cheesy. When we were moving into our apartment, I was in search of electrical items like irons, blow dryers, vacuums, etc. for a discount. Someone in my neighborhood offered an iron through the Facebook group, and I took them up on it! While I was walking to meet up with the neighbor, I approached someone who I thought was my neighbor. Turns out, it was the wrong person, but she was also American and super friendly! She invited me to a coffee club with expats in the neighborhood. This group of women are full of smart, kind, caring, and adventurous, and I am so happy I found them! It’s crazy how one single encounter of approaching the wrong stranger on the street gave me many new friends :)

In addition to being fascinating people, they are also amazing resources. Don’t know where to buy spices? Links are sent. Unsure how to use the bidets? Secret Italian tricks are shared. Your car battery dies and it’s Ferragusto and every mechanic shop is closed? Your friend brings you one from out of town. Truly, there is a “fast forward” button when you move to a foreign country and need help - people rise to the occasion!

Similarly, at Italian school, I became friends with my classmates pretty easily, who are from around the world and all want to learn Italian and experience Italian life :) It’s easy to chat with them or offer to get coffee because we’re all learning things at the same time.

Of course, it takes a very long time to build a deep and intimate friendship, but after three months I’m pretty happy with the progress I’ve made. I would love to get my Italian in a good enough place to make some Italian friends! Regardless of whether or not you are moving, being able to rely on people is what makes us alive and what make us human. We are all interconnected and meeting new people is part of the beauty of life. I love this quote below - I think making friends is art!

“I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea. How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art.”

― Helena Bonham Carter