friendship chronicles

an interview with a dear friend and fellow brunette

Today we have an interview with Grace! Grace is one of my best friends from college and we've known each other for almost twenty years. Grace works in the medical field and is an avid baker, tennis player, and soon to be mom! Fun fact about me and Grace: we started a remote Zoom baking channel called #hotbrunettesbaking in the pandemic. One day we'll publish our genius on the internet.

One thing you’ll learn in this interview is that Grace has a lot of skills for maintaining friendships naturally. She shows courage and vulnerability when having hard conversations. And just like most of us, she works hard to develop new friendships in adulthood through gifting her friends with her time and energy. She also shows gratitude and appreciation for the ways her friends show up in her life. Without further ado, Grace!

[BM] How did we meet?

We met our freshman year at Catholic U, where we lived in the same dorm, on the same floor. I cannot remember the exact first time we met, but I do remember thinking you were super friendly and outgoing. You were so easy to talk to, and as an 18 year old with no friends at college yet, this was a breath of fresh air. We could both be very silly together, talk about boys, but also have more serious chats about our majors/future life goals - it was a quick friendship match! 

[BM] How have we maintained our friendship over the years?  

We have mostly lived away from each other since we graduated, so we both definitely have put in the effort to make the phone calls, visits, and letters (that’s mostly Brenna, she’s the queen of a good letter!). I’d say phone calls are the foundation to maintaining our long distance friendship, because it’s the best way we can catch up, especially since we live farther away from each other now. And I feel like we prioritize these calls. Like when I was very distressed about fertility issues, she always listened, was open and nonjudgmental, and never rushed to get off the phone. We never let too much time pass without a quick (or very long) catch up session, and we both genuinely care about what is going on in the other person’s life (seems simple, but I believe it’s crucial to feeling truly supported in a friendship). 

[BM] When I was in an unhealthy relationship, you did something really risky: you called me and asked me if I was ok. This could have gone really badly for our friendship. Why did you do that? 

That was a tough one! I really struggled deciding if I should talk to you, because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship or your relationship. I think ultimately, I was worried about your mental health due to the verbal abuse I witnessed. I knew the risk would be that you may pull away from me, but I ethically couldn’t let you believe what happened was ok. You needed to know other people around you were on your side and were worried about you. I wanted you to know that you didn’t deserve that treatment, and sometimes you need someone to remind you of your worth when you’re in a tough spot. So, although it was risky, I’m glad I did it. I was very careful how I phrased everything, and I think our friendship became even stronger after that. 

[BM] Another really cool and brave thing you did : when you were really happy about your pregnancy, but you knew it might be a sensitive topic for me - you checked in with me to ask how I was feeling about talking about it. How did you know how to navigate that topic?

I honestly knew a lot about how to navigate it from you! You’d taught me a lot about the infertility world, and how others can be very insensitive to women who are in this scenario. I also ended up having fertility struggles myself, so I learned first hand about how hard it was to see pregnancy announcements. It could feel like a gut punch, and I never wanted to cause that pain for one of my very good friends. I knew telling you this news would be bittersweet, because you’re a good friend who wants me to be happy, but it also just kinda sucks to hear it too.  I tried my best to be gentle, put myself in your shoes, and also give you space that you may have needed, and I hope my delivery was ok! 

[BM] What would you say are characteristics of a good friend?

A good friend should be a good listener, nonjudgmental, and one of your biggest cheer leaders. You should never feel like you are competing with your good friend, you should always be in each others’ corners. And most importantly, a good friend is there in the tough times, may have to bring up the tough topics, and of course be the shoulder you need to cry on or the giant hug you never realized you needed. Oh, and a good friend brings joy and laughter, can’t forget that! 

[BM] How have friendships changed for you over the years, in general?

Friendships as a child and young teen were definitely more superficial/silly/playful, but I think that was also just due to being young. As I grew older in high school years, the longer chat sessions and boy dramas created deeper friendships- many of which I still have today, even though I may not see them as much as I’d like to. I would have to say my friendships in college started to have even more depth, and I have to attribute that to all the time we got to spend together - it was amazing - I wish as adults we had this much time to hang out with our girlfriends! I think now as an adult, I cherish these older friendships because the foundation is so solid and there is so much trust and comfort there. Finding friends as an adult takes much more purposeful effort, and sometimes I can get lazy in that department. But when I do make a new friend as an adult, it’s awesome, and worth the time/effort, because having more people in your life who bring you joy and support you just makes life better.  As a married woman who is about to have a baby, I definitely don’t see my friends daily like I did as a teen or as a 20-something, but now it’s more planned out meet ups, more phone calls, and more stupid gifs on Instagram - and I’m so appreciative for all of it. 

[BM] What's your favorite way to connect with a friend?

This may not be a creative answer, but if the friend is local, a coffee/lunch/dinner date is my favorite way to connect. Otherwise, for my longer distance friends, a phone chat, or a zoom baking hang out works perfectly for me! :) 

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Thank you Grace for sharing your beautiful insights with us! What thoughts do you have after reading this interview? What inspiration can you take from it?