the friendship meet cute

for the love of friends

Life changes at a rapid pace, and there are times when we want to normalize our experience, expand our network, and meet more friends. I have always valued and prioritized my friendships; they are some of the most beautiful and long-lasting relationships I’ve experienced on earth. Society does not always recognize them as such, which is another topic for another day. Today, I am here to write a post about how I’ve been able to make new friends without a graduate school program, job, or any other organized social construct where you are forced to hang out with each other. I am not an expert, however, I have listened to a lot of advice about this subject over the past two years and made observations from those who are more skilled than me. I love connecting and meeting new people.

Before you Start

• State your intention
  Do you want to learn a new hobby? Are you interested in starting a business and want to meet some entrepreneurs? Do you want to have more friends who are single? Write down what you want to “attract” and put the intention out there. I have manifested many friendships and other connections this way.

• Channel an open energy
  This is really “woo” but I do think you have to put energy out there that says you are open to new people and experiences. It starts with having the belief that it will happen. For example, you can’t say “there aren’t any cool people at my gym”. You have to say “I wonder what cool people I will meet at the gym today”. Some people have this mindset naturally and they don’t think about it too much. Others, it takes more work.

• Seek out people who are open to new connections
  Just how you might not have always channeled an open energy, not everyone you come across is looking for a new connection. They might be at a different place in their life. Don’t be offended or let it discourage you! Everyone has something to offer you in life, even if it is not a long-term connection.

• Practice small talk
  If you small talk with everyone you encounter, when you meet someone you make a connection with, it won’t be weird. Your small talk muscles will already be fully engaged. For example, talk to your barista, grocery store check out person, random person walking by in the park, etc. Here in California, most people will ask me how my day is going, which I find incredibly sweet and endearing. Especially at Trader Joe’s. I have had so many good conversations in the TJ’s check-out line. If you want to master small talk, watch a TJ’s employee :)

Ideas to Get Going

• Host a neighborhood event
  More people are living alone than ever before, and with the pandemic on top of it I think it’s so important to know your neighbors and get involved in the place where you live. When I moved to my apartment building in Philadelphia, I hosted a summer pot-luck on the roof and met most of my neighbors. It was so relieving to see friendly faces around the building, and I became good friends with a few people! I also got involved with local neighborhood organizations like my community garden, a yoga group, and a trash pick-up club. My cousin met a huge network of people by going to the same dog park every day. It feels good to walk out your door and know someone’s name.

• Ask for referrals
  There is no shame in telling your existing network what you are trying to do. When I moved to San Diego I didn’t know a single soul. I put a friend ad on Instagram and got many lovely referrals. I followed up on all of them and one of them turned out to be a very good friend here in San Diego.

• Get involved in a community of something you care about
  Think about all the things you care about and like to do. Pick something and then get involved in that community. You can find groups on social media or by asking around. I would argue that because of the pandemic it’s even easier to find other people who are looking to connect virtually or off-line. If you can’t find something existing - start it yourself! I started a cooking club in DC, with fun themed nights and made lots of awesome connections.

• Get involved in a community you don’t know anything about
  I randomly joined an axe throwing league and found it to be very empowering, even though I didn’t know anything about it. The people I met there were so welcoming and friendly and different to my normal social circle. It was really fun! Surprise yourself.

• Establish a local bar
  When I lived in a more rural place in France, I met the majority of my friends at the only bar in town. It was an amazing way to run into the same people over and over again. Plus, drinking makes you more chatty. Chatty is good for meeting people.

Rules of Thumbs

• Never say no.
  If someone invites you to something - just go. You never know who you’ll meet or what you’ll experience.

• Have confidence in yourself!
  You are a cool person with a lot to offer the world. You have thoughts and opinions and life experiences that are unique. Don’t underestimate yourself.

• Be aware of super-connectors.

  These are other people who are really good at connecting people. You will notice them. They can easily go into a group setting and feel comfortable, they are very open minded, and they have confidence when they engage with people. Talk to those people!

• Share the social capital.

  Since I am new here in California, every time someone invites me to hang out it feels like I’ve won the lottery! I am always thrilled; it feels so good to be included and invited places. Try to return the favor and pass it along.

I hope you enjoyed reading the advice you never asked for. If one person makes a new friend after reading this I will be thrilled! Sometimes I think about how many cool people there are to meet in the world and I get overwhelmed that I won’t meet them all (that’s the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night).

BONUS SECTION: Friendship meet cute hall of fame

• On my first day in California, my barre3 teacher introducing me to Elyse as “new here” and her walking with me to the neighborhood hip coffee shop after class

• Telling my friend stylish Ashley she had a cute backpack at a feminist work conference and us hitting it off and exchanging phone numbers

• Climbing in the backseat of Isabelle’s mini-van and buckling in between five little girls after being invited for lunch at my student’s house while standing in line at the bakery in France

• Meeting Kevin and Mike at our sports league kickball team and inviting them back for leftover lasagna (lasagna is just as good the next day)