I met the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in 2008 in Aix-en-Provence, France during my study abroad program. I will always remember her not only for her physical beauty, but for her effervescence. The first time I met her, she gave me the bise and introduced herself to me as “Pony”. Shocked, horrified even, I wasn’t sure how to react. Should I ask her if that was her real name? She was vibrant and smiling with carefree generosity: her hair a rich chocolate, long and voluminous, her skin a honey brown and her lips naturally berry pink. I remember being impressed by her dramatic hats and her vintage clothes store treasures. There was a lightness about her; a shine, an ease that came naturally within her. I wanted so badly to have for myself.
I saw myself as separate from Pony, who seemed to be other-worldly. I was serious and responsible. I wanted to date French men and skip class but I didn’t know how to without feeling fear or guilt. I made it a “mission” to meet actual French people in an “uncool” way - I joined a conversation club and reached out to people on Facebook groups to organize meet-ups. As I went through life, this skill of connecting people and of taking charge served me very well in the professional sense. While I may not have been avant garde, I knew how to fit into traditional societal frameworks and had the motivation to be successful.
My job today is not glamourous. I am leading a team within a start-up business. This is a lot like hiking a mountain naked and barefoot: you have a job to do but not enough people, processes, or time to do them, and by the time you finish you are too loopy to remember how you got there. It takes a certain personality to relentlessly drive a group of people through a train wreck of errors while maintaining a positive attitude. I am ruthlessly committed to succeeding and feel a heavy weight of responsibility on my shoulders. I’ve noticed there is a part of me that feels like an animal in a cage; a burning anger that teases me. I want the freedom to sit in cafes all day long, admiring plants and art. When I am not at work, I am trying to let this girl free.
This has led to a big duality in my life: full-time senior manager and part-time bohemian adventurer. While I am allowed to be both, it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so. The energy I expend in my job is grueling and requires weekends in sun and nature to replenish my drained batteries. How many hours outside does it take me to feel whole again? How do I handle the transition from working boss to loving girlfriend? All day long I am directing, managing, coaching, organizing, planning, driving, and leading. How do I morph myself into the free spirit I feel when I am traveling or writing? My therapist once told me to envision myself as James Bond; as soon as I am done work I swim to the boat and climb on, quickly removing my scuba suit and unzipping my wetsuit to reveal a perfectly fitted suit. I am to grab a martini and wink at a cute girl. My meager attempts to execute this have left me with a soggy tuxedo and an eye twitch. When I think about my “wild and precious life” it doesn’t involve sitting behind a computer and driving revenue growth and margin increases.
Recently I tried to write about what it was like to work at a startup. I was leaning towards making it funny and light, hitting on quirky start-up euphemisms and client horror stories. As I was writing, my brain was mixing my personal passion and my professional career for the first time, and a giant lightbulb turned on in my head. I realized that my ability to lead, organize and plan is a radical creative act. I am manifesting. I am generating. I am producing. I had always thought that my love of the arts and my capacity to execute were two totally distinct and separate parts. But what if they are one and the same? Would I be able to run a business if I were not a creative person?
Today, Pony owns several successful restaurants in Baltimore and spends time sourcing small batch mezcal in Oaxaca. The old me would harbor my jealousy and resentment and tell myself that I will never be able to earn an income from my creative pursuits, that I am too far behind, that it is too late. But the bohemian in me is lingering at the coffee shop, bursting with ideas, her fingers viciously typing away, ready for her next big plan.
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Affirmations for creativity:
I am brave enough to do what I love badly, as that’s the only path to getting good (credit @gisellebuchanan)
I was born to create
I don’t need to be perfect to create
Creating feels good
This is the year I share my art (credit @inspiredtowrite)
This is the year I prioritize rest over work (credit @inspiredtowrite)
Also, if you are ever in Baltimore, please support Pony (she now goes by Lane) and her gorgeous restaurants. The world needs artists like her.