In the back of my mind I always wanted to be a writer but I was afraid to say it out loud. When I was little I loved the movie Little Women and used to imitate the way the main character Jo wrote with real ink and scratch paper. I also loved Harriet the Spy because of her black and white notebook and thoughtful written observations. Of course, I loved writing in school and started writing creatively when I studied abroad in France. I wrote a blog about my adventures and it became a big passion in my life. I felt entrepreneurial, I felt confident, and I felt rewarded - so why did I stop? I don’t know the answer to that, but when I started writing again it was in my personal journals. As the frequency of my writing increased, it reminded me of my old self, who loved adventure and taking chances, and I started the modern version of the blog: a newsletter. I started, but I didn’t make it a habit to consistently hit publish. I continued to write very faithfully in my personal journals, but what pushed me to go public again was due to a brief connection I had.
Right before Christmas I was dating someone whose best friend lived in a beautiful house in San Diego. We would often visit for dinner or to say hi. He lived with roommates, one of them being his grandfather, Frank, whom he cared for. I was feeling very emotional before Christmas because I was headed home to pack up my car and move across the country. I wrote Christmas cards to those I had met, thanking them for welcoming me to San Diego and helping me through this transition period of life. One night I went over to his house for dinner and brought a card for my friend and addressed it to all the housemates, including Frank. My friend asked me to give the card to his grandfather, as he thought it would make him happy. I was a little nervous because I do not have a lot of experience with elderly people and we had not spoken much before. Tentatively, I knocked on his door. He was snoozing in his chair with the tv on and a dog in his lap. He woke up and I introduced myself. I gingerly handed him my card, and he was so excited and sincerely appreciative of it. He then asked me to read it to him. Given the flowery nature of my card, I felt the need to explain myself to Frank. I told him about my love for writing. Frank asked me what kind of things I like to write, and I told him I write mostly for myself, in my journal, privately. He looked at me dead in the eyes, in his tiny bedroom with the tv blasting and the dogs panting, and told me to write with confidence. That what I have to say is important. That the world needs to hear it. I felt like he could see right through me and was looking right into my soul. I have never felt more “seen” from a stranger before.
We continued chatting, and of course I had found my kindred spirit - Frank was a language teacher and fellow writer. However, it got me thinking: what does Frank know that I don’t? Why am I so afraid to share my thoughts and words publicly? What did the world do to me that made me believe I’m not worthy enough to share what I love to do?
I recently found a hidden folder in my gmail account. It was full of personal emails people wrote me when I was living in France. My parents shared my blog with their friends, as proud parents do, and I found an email my dad’s friend wrote to me. He wrote, "You are a very talented writer, and your passion, intellect, curiosity, and sense of humor all come through beautifully in your essays.” I was shocked, not by what he wrote, but at the young woman who replied. She wrote back confidently in full acceptance of not only being a writer, but being a good one. She didn’t minimize or shy away from praise. She knew she was doing something she loved and she was happy.
There is a difference between needing praise and validation for doing something you love versus needing encouragement. Sometimes life can throw you around and make you forget your dreams and passions. What I thought was a straight road to accepting and believing in yourself turns out to be more of a tide, ebbing and flowing in life. When you get on the right path again, a little encouragement from others can go a very long way. Regardless of whether you make money from it, are good at it, or other people like it - do what you love.