Can criticism kill you?
it feels like it can
Have you ever felt like you’ll die when you receive criticism? A few weeks ago I achieved a huge milestone: I completed the first draft of a fiction short story I’ve been working on for several months. Normally, I stick to creative non-fiction, like the type of essays that I write in this newsletter. However, I wanted to push myself to expand my writing practice, so I decided to take an online short story course. I felt so good after completing the first draft - like there was finally space for my art to go! I sent my story to my teacher and cautiously awaited her feedback, like a child waiting for Santa Claus. When I received her email, I was too nervous even to open it. Once I did a quick read-through of her feedback, I was shocked and disheartened. She said it needed major work. In fact, she didn’t even have one good thing to say about it.
I quickly shut the email as my mind started to spiral. I spent all weekend wondering why I even picked up the pen. I convinced myself I had nothing to say artistically and I had no idea how to tell a story. Intellectually, I know the only way to get better at writing is to receive good feedback. I want to receive feedback on my work. But the panic I felt in my entire body about being told something I produced was not good and needed to be reworked sent me into a shame spiral.
The shame spiral continued when I got to Bologna and started my intensive Italian class. I didn’t test into the higher level I wanted to. My classmates, none of whom have ever lived in Italy, were surprised that I was at the same level of Italian speaking as them despite having lived in Italy for the past year. I was very alert to these comments, as I observed myself to be used to scanning the room and searching for signs of danger. I interpreted this as a criticism of my intellect and my habits.
There are lots of labels I’ve seen thrown around for someone like me: high functioning anxiety, eldest daughter syndrome, perfectionist, highly sensitive person, etc. All I know is that when I receive feedback, it feels like someone is trying to kill me. I know I can’t be alone in this sensation, but only this past month did it hit me how truly difficult it is for me. I decided to do a little digging into this fear of criticism. I want to change my relationship with it.
Feedback is Cultural
My earliest memories in the public school system are not positive. I vividly remember crying into my kindergarten teacher’s arms when I “got in trouble” for something, and in first grade I was very dismayed when two other students were chosen for special projects due to their performance. From a very young age, I was aware of what I needed to do to be “good” and my teachers regularly praised me for it. The entire US millennial generation became used to “participation trophies,” or receiving a trophy just for showing up, which has since created a culture of fear. Millennials fear taking a vacation from work, being fired, being perceived as lazy, and are constantly seeking approval from others.
In Italy, my Italian teachers are much more transparent about publicly stating the skill levels of each student, as opposed to the US where public ratings or rankings would not be considered polite. Further reading shows that “in Italy, frank and honest confrontation is seen as a natural part of relationships both in private, in school and in the workplace”.
This proves that some of my sensitivity to criticism has been culturally engrained in me due to my upbringing in the United States.
Human Brains Have a Negativity Bias
Brains encode information that is survival-focused. Our negative memories are encoded more strongly than our positive ones. Criticism weighs more heavily on us than praise. Our manager could tell us ninety-nine positive things, and one area to improve, and we will remember the one area of improvement. When the brain feels threatened for survival, it goes into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode. Receiving feedback at work isn’t a danger to our survival, but as humans have adapted over time, it feels like it is! Remind yourself of this when you are receiving negative feedback and give your brain some space to recover.
Feedback About your Core Identity Hits Harder
If someone were to critique my clothing or my cooking abilities - I would not be so concerned, because I don’t consider myself a huge fashionista or a gourmet chef. However, language is one of my biggest passions and I have put a lot of effort into learning Italian. Writing is also a core part of my identity. I have spent countless hours writing drafts, developing pitches, editing, and revising to identify with the identity of “being” a writer. Feedback about “core parts” of our identity hit harder and should be treated with more self-love and compassion.
The Work is Developing your Self-Esteem
There is an immediate reaction between what we think and how we feel. Someone has criticized me, and that means I’m bad. I am a failure. I’m not smart enough. These thoughts creep into my mind and then drive my behaviors. I don’t think I’m good enough, so I stop writing or practicing Italian. To change the results, I need to change the initial thought. But how? The good news is that our brains can be molded and changed from these negative beliefs using neuroplasticity.
By using techniques like EMDR, meditation, and journaling, we can rewire these negative beliefs and start driving changes in our brain’s wiring. Ultimately, having more joy and confidence in ourselves comes when we start believing we’re smart, good, and worthy. Criticism will naturally slink off our shoulders.
“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
More Reading:
I can’t ignore the fact that I feel heartbroken and scared about the election results. It feels like a good time to assert that I am, and always will be, an imperfect ally. I am committed as an activist and intersectional feminist ✌🏻💗✊🏻 I’m only getting louder and angrier. 🔥
“They feed on our exhaustion. They expect our capitulation. They rely on us behaving like them: willing to ignore or cause others’ suffering to preserve our own power. They hate us, and they think we will learn to hate ourselves, too. But they also underestimate us. We are stubborn and unruly, annoying and persistent, bitter and terrified. And unlike them, we are not animated by fear or cruelty. We are audacious in our faith that a better world is possible. That faith is not rational, and the last eight years has consistently rattled it. But it endures, as it has endured for hundreds of years. We must not be the ones to lose it.” - Anne Helen Peterson
“Then let’s find each other in that field and do the long, slow work of building a world where everyone has access to the love, safety, and belonging they need.” -James Pearson
Good on you for working to change your relationship to criticism—that shame spiral is so real. But I also want to say, bad on your teacher for not finding a single positive thing to say about your work. Writers are sensitive! We know this about each other and we know the discouraging effect harsh words can have! Frankly I feel like she should know better and am a little mad for you. I am sure there was something good about your story and pointing that out would’ve made all the difference. (Also I think the act of creating things is inherently good and that act deserves praise regardless of the outcome, but that’s a whole separate rant.)
Thank you for exploring this out loud. I’ve been struggling with the succeed/fail mindset on a deep level recently and feel a little embarrassed that I haven’t developed as much self-confidence as I’d thought I had. Patterns from childhood run deep and, even after excellent therapy, can pop up in surprising ways (and just when I NEED that self-confidence!). It feels so good to hear from you and other commenters that this is something a lot of adults struggle with.