Good on you for working to change your relationship to criticism—that shame spiral is so real. But I also want to say, bad on your teacher for not finding a single positive thing to say about your work. Writers are sensitive! We know this about each other and we know the discouraging effect harsh words can have! Frankly I feel like she should know better and am a little mad for you. I am sure there was something good about your story and pointing that out would’ve made all the difference. (Also I think the act of creating things is inherently good and that act deserves praise regardless of the outcome, but that’s a whole separate rant.)
Aww thanks Samantha. She also said my main character, who I was attached to, had no sense of character 🤣 Not sure how to go about fixing that in my next draft but I’ve given it a whirl. In general it’s so easy to give criticism in writing but much harder to receive it.
lol omg rude! 100% true that it’s so much easier to give criticism than to receive it…and also much easier to criticize someone else’s work than to create something yourself.
Thank you for exploring this out loud. I’ve been struggling with the succeed/fail mindset on a deep level recently and feel a little embarrassed that I haven’t developed as much self-confidence as I’d thought I had. Patterns from childhood run deep and, even after excellent therapy, can pop up in surprising ways (and just when I NEED that self-confidence!). It feels so good to hear from you and other commenters that this is something a lot of adults struggle with.
Thanks for this post Brenna! I too struggle with criticism (and really subconsciously try to avoid it by people pleasing). So interesting to think about the cultural differences. I still remember the shame I felt in early grade school when my teacher reprimanded me for tattle-telling. And I was often told to “stop being so sensitive” when I took something personally.
Major kudos to you for writing and submitting your first story - keep at it!
Yes, school systems want us to conform and play into the rules, but little sensitive children need a bit more freedom! I have been doing meditations where I envision myself in forest school as a kid, playing and being outside. It really helped as woo woo as it sounds.
Your editor makes me angry! Her job is to provide feedback on what is working and what is not and to make suggestions for how you can make the manuscript better. It is not simply to criticize and hand the manuscript back to you. I'm sorry your first attempt at fiction was so discouraging, but don't give up. Your Substack newsletters are beautifully written, so clearly you have talent!
I felt all of these words deeply!!! I’m sensitive and a total words of affirmation person. When the words are not positive, I start feeling like they’re words-of-confirmation-that-I’m-a-terrible-person. It takes a lot of effort to talk myself out of the shame and embarrassment spiral.
So, thank you for writing all of this out! I know it’s going to act as some sort of therapy for me. I hope it does the same for you! ❤️
Are you me? I mean... I know you're not me... But like... not acing something and feeling the fight-or-flight response tingling? That's me! At the supermarket all I can think of is: "I'm supermarketing better than anyone else, I know what I need and I walk so swiftly and I don't leave my cart around, no dilly-dally, where's my gold star?"
Dear Brenna, I confidently sent off my 100k word manuscript to my first ever editor (who had come highly recommended) and received back in a timely manner said ms. It was a 3-page critique, suggesting I cut 30k words! First I got angry, then I cried, then I got to work. It's a thriller and 70k is a 'proper' word count for thrillers. I had to cut out one whole chapter plus much more. But after getting ahold of myself, and sitting down to re-write, I found I could do it. Cut all the chafe--get it lean and mean. And guess what? My readers loved it! The most common comment--we want more. So I gave them, thanks to my editor's keen and trained eye, just enough to keep them turning pp--exactly what is wanted. I wrote book 2 in the trilogy, this time more accustomed to what the editor considered would make it good and successful, and again, readers wanted more. Getting feedback at first is so so difficult. But if you find an editor who knows what's happening and knows her/his stuff--feel lucky. Do sit back down, think about it, and re-write. You might be surprised at what you find inside you--plus a new look for your piece. All the best!!
Hi Jeanine! This is amazing to hear! I totally trust my writing teacher, she is mega talented and I really respect her. I agreed with all of her feedback, it was just tough to swallow at first! So happy to hear that you were able to find such a great editor and ALSO squash your ego to get an awesome product out there! So expansive for me to hear.
Believe me, I was gobsmacked! It'd taken me over 2 years to write--I actually consider it 'historical' fiction b.c it's a parable about Mexican life with the cartels running rampant. I'd written 2 non-fiction. My memoir got traction --still selling thanks to the fact I've a link for it on my Substack ): But I thought fiction would sell better. So I made the cartel boss (jefe) a 35-yr old woman, niece of her re-captured cartel boss uncle. I liked having a woman in charge in a male-dominated country (well, aren't they all). It takes place in my stomping grounds, the fertile beauty of the Yucatán, and some reviews said the locale was almost as much of a 'character' as the characters. It's great you have confidence in your teacher--so keep going. Think on it, dream on it--at night before sleep if i can remember I try and conjur the story I am writing about). And if you have a chance to read (if not yet read) Big Magic by Eliz Gilbert, do so--it will inspire you and make you happy! Take care and Saludos!!!!!!!
I relate. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria and so do my girls. It is very common in ADHD. Painful, none the less. And this election has me in some serious dumps.
One way I am dealing with it is exercise and the other is reminding myself that when I feel inferior about myself, I remind myself that the devil is telling me lies, because he does not want me to be in good relationship with our God . Just tell him to hit the road !
Love it! On Fridays I go to an exercise group here where we do some kickboxing and it totally gets out all my anger! So glad you have some good strategies, because everyone knows, you're AWESOME
Very nice, Brenna. I read your entries every week, but don't comment that often. It is hard to understand your feeling about worth, when from where I sit you are awesome. Awesome for what you do and how you live life, and also awesome that you share so freely. Thank you for that! and keep at it.
Loved this investigation into criticism!! I signed up for a podcast writing course last year and we had to submit a script for review at the end of the course... well the comments/edits have been sitting in my inbox (completely untouched) since June, because I was already told - during a call where we talked through the class' scripts - that my draft still needed a lot of work. So, I totally feel you!!
It's so hard when we are criticised on something we feel is already "our thing", but I hope you turn this disappointment into action and keep writing, I would be so curious to read any future creative endeavours :) <3
Vittoria, I am glad I am not alone in avoiding the feedback. You are SO TALENTED it's crazy. So if we both got harsh feedback that means we're human I guess. We can't do everything perfectly.
Good on you for working to change your relationship to criticism—that shame spiral is so real. But I also want to say, bad on your teacher for not finding a single positive thing to say about your work. Writers are sensitive! We know this about each other and we know the discouraging effect harsh words can have! Frankly I feel like she should know better and am a little mad for you. I am sure there was something good about your story and pointing that out would’ve made all the difference. (Also I think the act of creating things is inherently good and that act deserves praise regardless of the outcome, but that’s a whole separate rant.)
Aww thanks Samantha. She also said my main character, who I was attached to, had no sense of character 🤣 Not sure how to go about fixing that in my next draft but I’ve given it a whirl. In general it’s so easy to give criticism in writing but much harder to receive it.
lol omg rude! 100% true that it’s so much easier to give criticism than to receive it…and also much easier to criticize someone else’s work than to create something yourself.
Thank you for exploring this out loud. I’ve been struggling with the succeed/fail mindset on a deep level recently and feel a little embarrassed that I haven’t developed as much self-confidence as I’d thought I had. Patterns from childhood run deep and, even after excellent therapy, can pop up in surprising ways (and just when I NEED that self-confidence!). It feels so good to hear from you and other commenters that this is something a lot of adults struggle with.
It felt embarrassing for me too but typing out the article helped get rid of the shame for me! You’re doing great 😊
Thanks for this post Brenna! I too struggle with criticism (and really subconsciously try to avoid it by people pleasing). So interesting to think about the cultural differences. I still remember the shame I felt in early grade school when my teacher reprimanded me for tattle-telling. And I was often told to “stop being so sensitive” when I took something personally.
Major kudos to you for writing and submitting your first story - keep at it!
Thanks Morganne!
Yes, school systems want us to conform and play into the rules, but little sensitive children need a bit more freedom! I have been doing meditations where I envision myself in forest school as a kid, playing and being outside. It really helped as woo woo as it sounds.
Your editor makes me angry! Her job is to provide feedback on what is working and what is not and to make suggestions for how you can make the manuscript better. It is not simply to criticize and hand the manuscript back to you. I'm sorry your first attempt at fiction was so discouraging, but don't give up. Your Substack newsletters are beautifully written, so clearly you have talent!
Thank you Clarice!!!
I felt all of these words deeply!!! I’m sensitive and a total words of affirmation person. When the words are not positive, I start feeling like they’re words-of-confirmation-that-I’m-a-terrible-person. It takes a lot of effort to talk myself out of the shame and embarrassment spiral.
So, thank you for writing all of this out! I know it’s going to act as some sort of therapy for me. I hope it does the same for you! ❤️
It definitely was therapy for me Kelsey! Thanks for reading and making me feel less alone :)
Are you me? I mean... I know you're not me... But like... not acing something and feeling the fight-or-flight response tingling? That's me! At the supermarket all I can think of is: "I'm supermarketing better than anyone else, I know what I need and I walk so swiftly and I don't leave my cart around, no dilly-dally, where's my gold star?"
Obviously we can't ace something when we try it for the first time! It's helpful to know I'm not alone.
Dear Brenna, I confidently sent off my 100k word manuscript to my first ever editor (who had come highly recommended) and received back in a timely manner said ms. It was a 3-page critique, suggesting I cut 30k words! First I got angry, then I cried, then I got to work. It's a thriller and 70k is a 'proper' word count for thrillers. I had to cut out one whole chapter plus much more. But after getting ahold of myself, and sitting down to re-write, I found I could do it. Cut all the chafe--get it lean and mean. And guess what? My readers loved it! The most common comment--we want more. So I gave them, thanks to my editor's keen and trained eye, just enough to keep them turning pp--exactly what is wanted. I wrote book 2 in the trilogy, this time more accustomed to what the editor considered would make it good and successful, and again, readers wanted more. Getting feedback at first is so so difficult. But if you find an editor who knows what's happening and knows her/his stuff--feel lucky. Do sit back down, think about it, and re-write. You might be surprised at what you find inside you--plus a new look for your piece. All the best!!
Hi Jeanine! This is amazing to hear! I totally trust my writing teacher, she is mega talented and I really respect her. I agreed with all of her feedback, it was just tough to swallow at first! So happy to hear that you were able to find such a great editor and ALSO squash your ego to get an awesome product out there! So expansive for me to hear.
Believe me, I was gobsmacked! It'd taken me over 2 years to write--I actually consider it 'historical' fiction b.c it's a parable about Mexican life with the cartels running rampant. I'd written 2 non-fiction. My memoir got traction --still selling thanks to the fact I've a link for it on my Substack ): But I thought fiction would sell better. So I made the cartel boss (jefe) a 35-yr old woman, niece of her re-captured cartel boss uncle. I liked having a woman in charge in a male-dominated country (well, aren't they all). It takes place in my stomping grounds, the fertile beauty of the Yucatán, and some reviews said the locale was almost as much of a 'character' as the characters. It's great you have confidence in your teacher--so keep going. Think on it, dream on it--at night before sleep if i can remember I try and conjur the story I am writing about). And if you have a chance to read (if not yet read) Big Magic by Eliz Gilbert, do so--it will inspire you and make you happy! Take care and Saludos!!!!!!!
Relatable and powerful take on how criticism hits harder when it touches what we care about most. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Thanks for reading Nelly.
I relate. I have rejection sensitive dysphoria and so do my girls. It is very common in ADHD. Painful, none the less. And this election has me in some serious dumps.
One way I am dealing with it is exercise and the other is reminding myself that when I feel inferior about myself, I remind myself that the devil is telling me lies, because he does not want me to be in good relationship with our God . Just tell him to hit the road !
Love it! On Fridays I go to an exercise group here where we do some kickboxing and it totally gets out all my anger! So glad you have some good strategies, because everyone knows, you're AWESOME
Oh gosh! I am? I think you are awesome! Kick it out girl!
Very nice, Brenna. I read your entries every week, but don't comment that often. It is hard to understand your feeling about worth, when from where I sit you are awesome. Awesome for what you do and how you live life, and also awesome that you share so freely. Thank you for that! and keep at it.
Dan, THANK YOU!!! I really appreciate you reading and for your support :) It's crazy how other people see things in us we don't see in ourselves.
thank you for this -- I needed these words this morning
Loved this investigation into criticism!! I signed up for a podcast writing course last year and we had to submit a script for review at the end of the course... well the comments/edits have been sitting in my inbox (completely untouched) since June, because I was already told - during a call where we talked through the class' scripts - that my draft still needed a lot of work. So, I totally feel you!!
It's so hard when we are criticised on something we feel is already "our thing", but I hope you turn this disappointment into action and keep writing, I would be so curious to read any future creative endeavours :) <3
Vittoria, I am glad I am not alone in avoiding the feedback. You are SO TALENTED it's crazy. So if we both got harsh feedback that means we're human I guess. We can't do everything perfectly.
My manager once told me “Those who don’t even try never make mistakes” and I think we’re people who dare to try! 🩷
If you are neurodivergent, rejection dysphoria sometimes pops up. Also a bruised ego feels much the same as this “trigger,” I’ve noticed.
I worked with a blunt German audio engineer. I knew he was giving fair feedback I didn’t love, and took it as a growth opportunity. It helped me. 💕
Yes, working with people in the Baltics was a wake up call for me too!
I have never heard about rejection dysphoria, but another commenter mentioned it too. Something to look into for sure, thank you!