Really liked your piece as a whole, but the bit on family and friends resonated particularly with me.
Being a woman in her thirties, engaged in a romantic heterosexual relationship for 15 years, I find it hard to be the only couple without child by choice in most of our circles. I try to cultivate my friendships and work relations as best as I can considering my friends with kids don’t make place for adult friends as much as they used to, feeling whole (not needing others) at the moment. I really enjoy spending time with my BF (I never get tired of him), but looking at my parents, I know the importance of not relying only on your closests family members. So even if I’m an introvert, I take pleasure in having good lengthy conversations with people I just met, or people I meet only once a year in a Christmas work party.
Thank you for reminding us life is not to be lived on autopilot, and that alternative paths are fulfilling, even though they’re often hard to accept for oneself in the first years.
Merci Madame :) I have thought about telling my friends with kids that we would like to be included in their family events. Most include us normally, but others might need a hint? My friend's kids are the cutest and brightest and funniest and they make me laugh and add joy to my days!
Wow I so identified with this post. I've been living abroad for nearly 20 years, and the lack of community has been my biggest struggle. I think your emphasis on prioritising non-romantic friendships is so important! I live on this tiny tropical island where most people just keep themselves to themselves, and the emphasis is very much on the family and non-romantic friendships come second if not third to anything else.
I'm really looking forward to moving to Valencia this year where I feel there is much more opportunity for community. It's really neat to connect with someone else was living abroad in Europe! Particularly a fellow Substacker.
Hi Kaila! Very happy to connect here :) Congrats on your big move to Valencia! I haven't been but friends of mine here in Naples rave about Valencia, one said it was the perfect city. I think moving is a great time to cultivate an open mindset and allow yourself to meet a new community! Best of luck during your transition!
Brenna! This is incredible. It feels like you put a megaphone to the inside of mind. It's so inspiring and comforting to see someone else thinking through all these same topics. Next time I'm in Italy, I'll be hitting you up for some in-person pasta and philosophical conversation. 🤝 And thanks for including my piece here too!
Very thought provoking article. Buying vs renting is a forever dilemma. Same with having kids - or not!
Life can be good either way. As someone in my (very) late thirties I have lately been meeting women with unconventional paths who do not have children - by choice or circumstances - but who nurture their community in so many ways.
Investing in friendships throughout life is key. Friendships bring so much depth to life and are such a lifelong journey.
Hi Olivia! Thanks for reading and sharing a bit about yourself. You're so right, LIFE CAN BE GOOD EITHER WAY! It is a reminder every human needs when they're struggling to sort out their desires.
I love the idea of living in a self-made neighborhood of sorts with friends. My husband and I are Childless by Choice, and we have other friends who have decided to do the same. Right now, we all live scattered around the country, even the globe. But, one day, I would love us to all live very near of each other to provide the support and family to each other that having kids usually brings to people. This way, as we grow older, we have a community that's built-in. Now, to just get everyone else on board and pick a location that make everyone happy... 🤔🤣
I am right at the point where my good friends are about to have children, and my partner and I have decided against it. Definitely anxious to see how the next few years unfold, and figure out how to expand my community. I’m in the Northeastern US and it truly does feel that nobody has time for things like community building. Curious where you might start!
Hi Vanessa, there are lots of people doing the good work of building communities. One place to look: a local grocery store, yoga studio, or coffee shop with a bulletin board. When I lived in Philly I found an outdoor yoga studio that was really focused on building community more than earning money and it was amazing. Through that yoga group I found my community garden, which was actually down the street from me and I had never noticed it before. Or maybe you could try something you've never done before. Once, I joined an axe-throwing league! It was the most welcoming group of people I've ever met! Good luck and keep at it!!!
As a fellow American in Europe in his 30s who also left a conventional path...this resonated with me, and you're not alone! I think a big part is learning more about who we really are and what "success" means for us. Our environment plays a big role too. Being from California, it's hard not to think about money as you know (unfortunately in places like San Francisco, one does need to think about it to live there). But...there are other paths like you described. Thanks for sharing
Thank you for writing this! It really resonates in my current chapter in life. It can feel really disorienting when you’re doing things like stepping outside the “expected” career route but I’m trying to think of it as a process of becoming more me. Appreciate the links at the end too!
Hi Brenna. Your story is incredibly inspiring and a reminder that life’s detours can lead to unexpected fulfilment. I admire your courage in embracing the ‘pathless path’ and redefining traditional milestones. Reading about how friendships have shaped your journey really resonated with me–I’ve moved around so much that I’ve realised how much I crave a close-knit group of girlfriends. Building my tribe here in Paris is one of my goals for 2025. Thank you for the inspiration!
Brenna thank you for this article. I am just starting my “unpaid career break” I recently took a sabbatical from work, earned on my 20 year anniversary at my corporate job. I came back unable to do the job anymore. I am just beginning my journey of finding out what’s next for me. Thank you for all the resources at the end of your article, I plan to explore them all. What advice do you have for someone looking for untraditional mid-life changes?
Hi Kim, congratulations on your sabbatical! What an amazing accomplishment. I actually just wrote an article about this which will be guest-posted soon. My biggest advice: follow your curiosities! If you're interested in something, start engaging with it! Follow the trail of breadcrumbs and don't be afraid to switch it up! Good luck Kim.
Once again - you totally got me here. It was kind of comforting reading your article since it made me thinking that "we're not alone". I'm also a woman, living in Germany, not wanting to climb the corporate ladder, but instead focus on a portfolio career, living the pathless path with my husband, no children and friends as chosen family. We had many days (and nights) discussing our view on life and where we possibly could find like-minded people. And as you go, many are "trapped" by social "pressure" to become parents, to become home owners etc... we've seen that many times and it breaks my heart. To give yourself up of some sorts to become someone society wants you to be.
Thanks for reading Claudia! It's really hard, but the more we share and connect with each other the more normal it will feel! So happy to have you here as a reader!
Such a great read- so many valid points. Being a career woman + kids is brutal (even with a helpful husband). I tell my kids all the time being a stay at home mom shouldn't be a dirty word like it was when I was starting out. So many things to unlearn sometimes in many areas of life
EXACTLY!!! I have been really expanded by living in a military community and I've met so many amazing moms who stayed home to raise their kids, sometimes doing it solo when their husbands were deployed.
My rebeling against "the perfect life path" is continuing to move abroad when society tells you to settle down. I am in my thirties and about to have a child. In society's eye, this is when you settle. You don't move. You stay put. Which is the opposite of what I want to do with my life.
I really enjoyed reading this. I'm all about stepping outside of society's bluprint at the moment. I'd love to live in a community, with like-minded people. I'm currently Wintering in my campervan in Spain, musing on how to create a longer term simple and slow life, with community around me.
Bravo and a standing ovation to everyone breaking free of so called societal norms of what's expected. Make your own damn rules, right? Answer the calling to live happy. Your heart knows and will give you messages. Great read Brenna!💕
Really liked your piece as a whole, but the bit on family and friends resonated particularly with me.
Being a woman in her thirties, engaged in a romantic heterosexual relationship for 15 years, I find it hard to be the only couple without child by choice in most of our circles. I try to cultivate my friendships and work relations as best as I can considering my friends with kids don’t make place for adult friends as much as they used to, feeling whole (not needing others) at the moment. I really enjoy spending time with my BF (I never get tired of him), but looking at my parents, I know the importance of not relying only on your closests family members. So even if I’m an introvert, I take pleasure in having good lengthy conversations with people I just met, or people I meet only once a year in a Christmas work party.
Thank you for reminding us life is not to be lived on autopilot, and that alternative paths are fulfilling, even though they’re often hard to accept for oneself in the first years.
Merci Madame :) I have thought about telling my friends with kids that we would like to be included in their family events. Most include us normally, but others might need a hint? My friend's kids are the cutest and brightest and funniest and they make me laugh and add joy to my days!
Thank you for reading
Wow I so identified with this post. I've been living abroad for nearly 20 years, and the lack of community has been my biggest struggle. I think your emphasis on prioritising non-romantic friendships is so important! I live on this tiny tropical island where most people just keep themselves to themselves, and the emphasis is very much on the family and non-romantic friendships come second if not third to anything else.
I'm really looking forward to moving to Valencia this year where I feel there is much more opportunity for community. It's really neat to connect with someone else was living abroad in Europe! Particularly a fellow Substacker.
Hi Kaila! Very happy to connect here :) Congrats on your big move to Valencia! I haven't been but friends of mine here in Naples rave about Valencia, one said it was the perfect city. I think moving is a great time to cultivate an open mindset and allow yourself to meet a new community! Best of luck during your transition!
Thank you so much! 😊 It does seem perfect, it's true!
All the best for your move!
I'm about an hour north of Valencia at the moment. Everyone here says it's wonderful. I hope your move goes well.
Brenna! This is incredible. It feels like you put a megaphone to the inside of mind. It's so inspiring and comforting to see someone else thinking through all these same topics. Next time I'm in Italy, I'll be hitting you up for some in-person pasta and philosophical conversation. 🤝 And thanks for including my piece here too!
Yay Lane! I would absolutely love that!
Brenna, i love your story.
Very thought provoking article. Buying vs renting is a forever dilemma. Same with having kids - or not!
Life can be good either way. As someone in my (very) late thirties I have lately been meeting women with unconventional paths who do not have children - by choice or circumstances - but who nurture their community in so many ways.
Investing in friendships throughout life is key. Friendships bring so much depth to life and are such a lifelong journey.
Thank you for sharing your ideas so beautifully.
Hi Olivia! Thanks for reading and sharing a bit about yourself. You're so right, LIFE CAN BE GOOD EITHER WAY! It is a reminder every human needs when they're struggling to sort out their desires.
I love the idea of living in a self-made neighborhood of sorts with friends. My husband and I are Childless by Choice, and we have other friends who have decided to do the same. Right now, we all live scattered around the country, even the globe. But, one day, I would love us to all live very near of each other to provide the support and family to each other that having kids usually brings to people. This way, as we grow older, we have a community that's built-in. Now, to just get everyone else on board and pick a location that make everyone happy... 🤔🤣
CJ that is such a wonderful plan! It would be so fun to brainstorm and pick some different options and go through the pros and cons of each :)
I love this idea CJ. I've always wanted to live in a community like that.
When we decide on a location, I'll let ya know! 👍😉
I am right at the point where my good friends are about to have children, and my partner and I have decided against it. Definitely anxious to see how the next few years unfold, and figure out how to expand my community. I’m in the Northeastern US and it truly does feel that nobody has time for things like community building. Curious where you might start!
Hi Vanessa, there are lots of people doing the good work of building communities. One place to look: a local grocery store, yoga studio, or coffee shop with a bulletin board. When I lived in Philly I found an outdoor yoga studio that was really focused on building community more than earning money and it was amazing. Through that yoga group I found my community garden, which was actually down the street from me and I had never noticed it before. Or maybe you could try something you've never done before. Once, I joined an axe-throwing league! It was the most welcoming group of people I've ever met! Good luck and keep at it!!!
Thank you for these suggestions!!
As a fellow American in Europe in his 30s who also left a conventional path...this resonated with me, and you're not alone! I think a big part is learning more about who we really are and what "success" means for us. Our environment plays a big role too. Being from California, it's hard not to think about money as you know (unfortunately in places like San Francisco, one does need to think about it to live there). But...there are other paths like you described. Thanks for sharing
Thanks for reading David! I love love love your posts! I am dying, DYING to walk the Camino! Can't wait to read more from your POV!
Thank you for writing this! It really resonates in my current chapter in life. It can feel really disorienting when you’re doing things like stepping outside the “expected” career route but I’m trying to think of it as a process of becoming more me. Appreciate the links at the end too!
Thanks for reading Tiffany! Best wishes on this exciting chapter :)
Hi Brenna. Your story is incredibly inspiring and a reminder that life’s detours can lead to unexpected fulfilment. I admire your courage in embracing the ‘pathless path’ and redefining traditional milestones. Reading about how friendships have shaped your journey really resonated with me–I’ve moved around so much that I’ve realised how much I crave a close-knit group of girlfriends. Building my tribe here in Paris is one of my goals for 2025. Thank you for the inspiration!
Hi Mel! I saw a video this week on social about how rejuvenated this woman felt after going on a walk while talking to her best friend. It's so true!
Building a tribe in a new place is tricky! Keep at it! Rooting for you!
Thanks Brenna. There's something truly special about female friendships.
Brenna thank you for this article. I am just starting my “unpaid career break” I recently took a sabbatical from work, earned on my 20 year anniversary at my corporate job. I came back unable to do the job anymore. I am just beginning my journey of finding out what’s next for me. Thank you for all the resources at the end of your article, I plan to explore them all. What advice do you have for someone looking for untraditional mid-life changes?
Hi Kim, congratulations on your sabbatical! What an amazing accomplishment. I actually just wrote an article about this which will be guest-posted soon. My biggest advice: follow your curiosities! If you're interested in something, start engaging with it! Follow the trail of breadcrumbs and don't be afraid to switch it up! Good luck Kim.
Once again - you totally got me here. It was kind of comforting reading your article since it made me thinking that "we're not alone". I'm also a woman, living in Germany, not wanting to climb the corporate ladder, but instead focus on a portfolio career, living the pathless path with my husband, no children and friends as chosen family. We had many days (and nights) discussing our view on life and where we possibly could find like-minded people. And as you go, many are "trapped" by social "pressure" to become parents, to become home owners etc... we've seen that many times and it breaks my heart. To give yourself up of some sorts to become someone society wants you to be.
Thanks for reading Claudia! It's really hard, but the more we share and connect with each other the more normal it will feel! So happy to have you here as a reader!
Such a great read- so many valid points. Being a career woman + kids is brutal (even with a helpful husband). I tell my kids all the time being a stay at home mom shouldn't be a dirty word like it was when I was starting out. So many things to unlearn sometimes in many areas of life
EXACTLY!!! I have been really expanded by living in a military community and I've met so many amazing moms who stayed home to raise their kids, sometimes doing it solo when their husbands were deployed.
My rebeling against "the perfect life path" is continuing to move abroad when society tells you to settle down. I am in my thirties and about to have a child. In society's eye, this is when you settle. You don't move. You stay put. Which is the opposite of what I want to do with my life.
Congratulations Katharina on your new addition and for staying true to yourself! Inspiring!
Thank you Brenna!
I really enjoyed reading this. I'm all about stepping outside of society's bluprint at the moment. I'd love to live in a community, with like-minded people. I'm currently Wintering in my campervan in Spain, musing on how to create a longer term simple and slow life, with community around me.
Ohhh I miss our van so much!!! 🚐
Bravo and a standing ovation to everyone breaking free of so called societal norms of what's expected. Make your own damn rules, right? Answer the calling to live happy. Your heart knows and will give you messages. Great read Brenna!💕
Thank you Debbie!!!
Thank you for sharing this. I'm 32 and living abroad embracing the non traditional American path and can understand this piece completely.
Thank you for reading :) Are you in Mexico City!? One of my fav places.
I am! I love it here.