Living for Me: Crafting a Life Beyond Society's Blueprint

Resources for Embracing an Unconventional Path

When I turned 30 years old, I had checked every box on the traditional life path. I was climbing the ladder at my corporate job, was newly married, and we had just bought our first house in a suburban neighborhood in Philadelphia. I was poised to become another straight white woman with an Instagram account for house renovations.

By my 31st birthday, everything changed. I got divorced and entered the most emotionally trying time of my life. I had to surrender everything—including the traditional milestones of getting married, buying a house, and having a child. I was single for the first time in six years. I sold our home and everything in it and rented a studio in the city. I looked into freezing my eggs and ultimately decided against it.

When it was all over, I was absolutely lost. It felt like a tornado had come in and flattened my life, and I was left lying on the ground with my feet sticking out like the Wicked Witch of the East. I had no idea what I should be doing.

Little did I know that opportunity was knocking on my doorstep. I’m so grateful I got to start over and wake up to my values. But at the time, I was a frustrated “good girl” who “followed all the rules” and didn’t get to the promised land of happiness and fulfillment.

Photo by Kate Prihodko

When I started living my life based on my values and intentions, I started seeing so many alternative paths. I met people who chose to forgo home ownership to save money or to improve their quality of life. I went camping with people who chose not to have children but spent their time and resources helping and nurturing others. I went on weekend trips with women who found so much joy outside of monogamous partnerships and invested in their friendships. I celebrated friends as they pursued new career options, opened up their businesses, or invested in their hobbies. I became dismayed when I realized how little financial assistance, governmental policies, and societal rituals exist to support people on the journey. I decided to share my manifesto for living life on the “pathless path” to make it easier for those who come after me.

Housing and Community

Homeownership has always been associated with the American dream. It can sting to see your friends post pictures of their shiny new front doors, dangling a giant set of keys, when you are not in a position to buy a home. I have to remind myself of the many benefits of renting, including lower expenditures in high-cost-of-living areas, more flexibility, and lower stress since you are not responsible for unforeseen maintenance costs. I was able to pick up and move to California and then again to Italy very easily because I was a renter.

I also have the good fortune of spending weekends in my converted van, which reminds me how little I need to be happy. Spending my days completely outside has been life-changing to my well-being. Owning this little van reminds me of my values of adventure and exploration.

After we eloped we wrote “Just Married” on the back of the van and all of our neighbors cheered us down the street.

Since living in the Parrot Bungalows in San Diego, and before that with roommates in Ocean Beach, I have become passionate about co-living. It offers not only a great solution to the housing crisis in California but also an opportunity to reap the social benefits of interdependence. People are doing wonderfully creative things like buying properties with friends to create multigenerational compounds where relying on others and daily social interaction becomes a normal way of living.

Even here in Italy, although I live in my apartment with my husband, I live within a 10-minute walking distance of most of my friends. Living in Europe, where most citizens live in cities, means we are not slaves to cars. By walking around to do my errands, I run into people all the time. Having a sense of daily community gives me greater day-to-day life satisfaction.

Relationships and Platonic Love

The experience of being a single, heartbroken woman in the United States during a global pandemic forever changed my view on the importance of social interaction. While I was physically and materially safe, living alone was emotionally draining. Not to mention, being 100% responsible for every facet of life is exhausting, even without children. The burden of finding affordable housing, not having someone to share expenses with for vacations, or coming home to an empty fridge, adds an extra challenge. Today, over one-quarter of all Americans live alone, and more resources are needed to ensure everyone has access to a strong community.

The people who really saved me when I was at my rock bottom were my friends. When I was sick, my upstairs neighbor left some treats by my door. When I was down in the dumps, my cousin took me hiking. When I needed to socialize, I got invited to Zoom Prom. When I needed nurturing, the head of my community garden added me to the volunteer board. I learned to rely on many friends and build up my intergenerational friendships to enrich my life. And while I do have a monogamous partner now, I make an effort to view my friendships as equally important to my well-being and life. Prioritizing platonic love at the same level as romantic love is one way I build a strong community for myself.

Family and Parenthood

Life in my thirties has been needlessly polarizing regarding the decision to have children. I’ve found this to be an incredible sore spot for both myself and other women. Before I met my husband, I wondered if there could be a path for me to become a mother even without a partner. I also started to empower myself with stories of women who lived very fulfilling lives without children. This helped me relax into knowing I would be OK no matter what.

Much time is wasted discussing what is right, moral, and ethical, both in the choice to pursue parenthood and how one makes parenting decisions. The bottom line is we need more good parents in this world and less judgment. If you choose not to become a parent in the traditional sense, we still need you to love and nurture the heck out of the many people who need it.

In terms of being a career-oriented woman, this has undoubtedly had a huge impact on my thoughts about parenthood. In my career in Philadelphia, I watched female colleagues sacrifice ruthlessly while my male colleagues took extended lunch breaks and bragged about their luxury cars. I could not envision myself working as a mother despite wanting to be a mom. When my friends started having kids and when I moved to California, I was exposed to heterosexual partnerships where men do half the work. My guy friends took their infant children out alone or parented solo while their wives were on business trips. Not only did my new job in California offer paternity leave, but many of my male colleagues took it. I distinctly remember an executive male at my job leaving early to do school pick-up and being shocked. While this may seem like the bare minimum, for me it was an opportunity to expand the possibilities for myself.

Non-Traditional Career

I have always been very ambitious and have always had a strong desire to be successful. A few years ago, I got very burned out and started decentering my career from my life. I explored non-linear paths, like when I moved from a managerial to an individual contributor role, and allowed more time for my hobbies. And most recently I took an unpaid career break while I allowed myself time to recover and reflect on what brings me fulfillment.

The biggest hurdle I’ve had to face is separating my self-worth from my income. I think this is a common problem with many Americans. Advice that has always helped me is to think about the life you want to have - your biggest dreams - and then ask yourself how much money you need to support that life. Work backward from there, instead of always reaching higher and higher, to a benchmark that will never make you happy.

Life on the Pathless Path

Never did I ever think when I sold my dream house six years ago that I would be living in Italy with my amazing husband and eating breakfast with a view of the ocean. But next time you get that Hallmark Christmas card of the “perfect family” remember that no one’s life is perfect - it’s what’s right for them. Even now, with all my good fortune, I continue to struggle with the weight of feeling like I am not where I should be. It’s a gravitational force I fight every day. But the more we band together, the more we share resources, I believe we will move towards a new societal standard where the human need for interconnectedness and well-being are met. I have met so many wonderful and inspiring people on this path who are willing to help the lonely, unfulfilled, and purpose-chasers out there. By continually seeking alternative solutions to housing, community, family structures, and careers, we can create a world better than when we found it.

What about you? How do you rebel against societal standards to take chances on yourself? I’ve heard so many inspiring stories in Notes this week! Let’s build each other up in the comments.

Here are some inspiring resources for living an aligned life:

Housing and Community

• This persuasive essay from

  Aja Frost
  on her decision to rent vs. buy.

• Supernuclear
  ’s guide to co-living, including lots of ideas for community building!

• Brian Wiesner
  writes about the benefits of community in Europe, like Bicibus for school drop-offs in Barcelona, how living in a walkable city makes you more lucky, and how elders in Spain have a stronger community

• I Bought 30 Acres With 7 Friends: A Starter Guide to Communal Ownership

Friendships

• The book Platonic by Dr. Marisa Franco is one I will recommend over and over!

• Anna Goldfarb
  writes Friendship Explained and is also the author of the book Modern Friendships

• I thought it was pretty cool that author

  Jo Piazza
  went on her babymoon with her friend. Celebrate with your friends!

Alternative Family

• Elizabeth Day
  on the decision to stop pursuing parenthood on the podcast Best Friend Therapy, Childfree, Not by Choice.

• The Single Supplement
  ’s Nicola Slawson’s decision to raise a child with her platonic partner

• The “Overthinking About Monogamy” episode on the Magical Overthinking podcast discusses how to make non-romantic relationships a higher priority in your life

• Lane Scott Jones
  writes “The Secret Society of Childfree Women”.

• The Boundless Life program helps families get set up to live abroad by providing community, housing, and school support

• Crazy Women by

  Rachel Katz
  , a beautiful essay on the deranging effects of fertility treatments

Career

• Paul Millerd
  writes the Pathless Path and challenges conventional thinking about work, like how to play the creator game, good work and freedom, the 40-hour workweek, etc.

• Menstruating in Silicon Valley by

  Rachel Katz
  , an essay about being a woman in business

• Dana Miranda
  from Healthy Rich writes about creating a budget-free life based on your authentic desires and not on traditional financial advice.

• I recently found Career Hannah on Instagram. Hannah didn’t love her job in finance, so she pursued an MBA at Wharton. Her description of fighting against the social pressures of elite culture to find a life that suited her values was impactful to me.

Age

• Don’t let age stop you from pursuing what you want, either!